Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

jmb275 BYU, Folklore, funny, LDS, Mormon 13 Comments

My only regret is that I cannot take credit for this wonderful bit of humor! They were originally posted by an author found here.  Please enjoy!

Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, which are always nice, and in the multilevel marketing.

2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.

3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is, if you have it.

5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate to name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be a part thereof.

6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.

7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books, crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.

8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and sprite to ward parties.

9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.

10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romney will get Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading Twilight and The Work and the Glory.

11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same privilege, and let them name drop the names of Famous and general authorities how, where, or what they may.

12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.

13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.

Feel free to add your own cultural articles of faith in the comments.

Comments

comments

Comments 13

  1. That’s pretty funny.

    My only critique would be the lack of a reference to Jello and or that testimonies are often lists of “I know X is true, I know Y is true, etc…” whether such statements even make sense to non-members.

  2. Very nice.

    We believe that the rank of Eagle Scout will be required for the Celestial Kingdom, and should be required for a temple marriage or recommend. We also believe that it will save our young men from all of societies dangers and temptations.

  3. Re #2
    Love it! Augmented version of yours:
    “We believe that the rank of Eagle Scout will be required for the Celestial Kingdom, and should be required for a temple marriage or recommend. We also believe that it will save our young men from all of societies dangers and temptations. We also believe that in areas where scouts don’t exist that an equivalent ‘Duty to God’ award will be required as far as it is translated correctly.”

  4. I think this list should be labeled “Articles of Faith of Utah-Mormon Culture.” I haven’t seen 60% of these outside of Utah, and when I have (scrap booking, vinyl lettering, casseroles, etc) they are not the domain of Mormons, but rather the Good Housekeeping/Martha Stewart/Rachel Ray set, be they atheists or evangelicals.

  5. So funny! Hey I live in So. Cal and there isn’t one “Article” I do not identify with. No.1 especially. I am a grandmother of 6 and still drive a mini van. I drive around with two carseats in the back knowing I will at some point durning the week, have a grandchild or two with me. Great humor! Thanks

  6. “If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.”

    I believe there is a difference between being cheap and being creatively thrifty! 🙂

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