Speculation and Testimonies: The good, the bad, the unique …

Stephen MarshMormon 19 Comments

Recently heard, and not necessarily in order:

Logic tells us that Jesus Christ really lived.  Think about it.  The calendar.  B.C.  Before Christ.  How could people have missed that?

Kathy Rowley is the only true Relief Society President.

I’m certain I will go on a mission to the ten tribes in the center of the earth.

I am grateful to God for Christ and for Christ’s grace in my wife and children.

Hey, I promised the good along with the bad and the unique.

What sort of things have you heard that made you go “say what?!”

Other than getting lucky in what ward you move into, any ideas?

Comments 19

  1. ‘Without the gospel in my life, I’d probably be in the middle of the ocean somewhere.’

    I heard this in my single’s ward, and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I’m pretty sure the guy heard me.

  2. At BYU I heard a sister get up and talk about how much she loved her roommates, adding, “And Cherie, I don’t know what you and your boyfriend were doing on the couch last night for so long, but I just want you to know that I love you, and I am there for you if you need to talk . . .” This was said in that vacuous BYU co-ed voice that sounds like Barbie inhaled helium. I think the bishopric even woke up.

  3. “I can testify that World War III will begin next year.” This was said in 1996 in my singles ward at BYU. It was the one and only time a Bishop has every gotten up and cut someone off.

  4. In my old ward in Arkansas, an old former Baptist once gave a testimony about vampires, and then she talked about how vampires are like our sins, and the Book of Mormon is like her cross to deflect temptation.

  5. actually, in my old ward, there was usually an elderly woman who was Polynesian, and she’d go up and bear her testimony about how she knew she was descended from the Lamanites…but then she would incorporate local lore and weird Heavenly Mother theories with her testimonies and incorporate them with tenuous scriptures and say “it has to be true, because we are the lamanites and we have a greater understanding of the scriptures”…the bishop often had to ask her to step down. It was funny most times.

  6. I wonder if I know Kathy Rowley – or her husband.

    Anyway, I have to link the following, since it has to be the single funniest thread in the history of the Bloggernacle:

    Adventures in Arizona

    I will go there and link this thread on it. If you plan on reading the entire thread, schedule an hour or two – and have tissues handy. You will laugh so hard you’ll cry; I’m not sure if you’ll laugh so loud you’ll sin. 🙂

  7. 20 years ago we moved to an outlying area in SoCal where home prices were about half of what they were an hour away in Orange County and San Diego. For months as members poured in from other areas, many, many would stand in testimony meeting and say “We just don’t know why we moved here”, implying the Spirit led them to Zion where the had a great work to perform.

    It, clearly, was the prices of the beautiful, new homes, along with which came a long commute to work for everyone………

    Yesterday, a cub leader was asking for volunteers for a scout camp. She asked “Who will volunteer to be an adult?”

  8. From a bishopric member who got tongue-twisted at the wrong time, in the wrong way.

    Sister Peabody was the organist for my sister-in-law’s ward. For special music, she was going to play a certain musical number. The bishopric member announced, “Sister Playbody will now pea for us….”

    He didn’t finish his sentence and the ward continued in such an uproar, they could not (and did not) finish the meeting. As soon as someone quit laughing, someone else would start……..they finally gave up.

  9. Back in 2000, my elders quorum president informed us that in the upcoming election, Bush would win the popular vote, but Gore would win the Electoral College, which would cause a Constitutional crisis and probably a military coup, so we should all be ready to defend the Constitution (from the Democrats, not from military overthrow).

    We had one young lady in our ward in Tokyo get up and testify how hard it was to live the law of chastity. She said she was trying really hard, but sometimes she wished her boyfriend would just pick her up and sweep her away. She was also assigned to give the opening prayer in Sacrament once, and began, “Dear Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother….”

    And there was Mr. Free-Love Religion meets the Law of Chastity.

  10. In the ward I grew up in most months a middle aged guy would get up and share his testimony always beginning with “I picked up a hitch hiker the other day…” and then proceed to share with us how he tried to convert the guy. It never mattered where they wanted to go, he would always take them to Temple Square bearing testimony the whole way. The kids in the ward always looked forward to the monthly sharing of the different victims he got. I remember getting kicked or smacked by my parents monthly for laughing during his testimony (in the old days parents could do that).

  11. Strongbad fans will appreciate this one.

    From last Sunday’s Fifth-Sunday combined RS/MP in a friend’s ward, from the Bishop:
    “Satan is more than a deceiver, he is “The Deceit.” More than a liar, he is “The Lie.” More than a cheater, he is “The Cheat.”

    I was *not* the only snickerer.

  12. Several years ago in my sister’s ward a sister was speaking and she got very emotional and was crying. She apologized to the congregation saying “sorry I’m such a big boob.” When the bishopric member got up next to close the meeting he said, “it’s okay, sister x, we love big boobs.” The congregation burst out in laughter and the bishopric member could not go on. He had to sit down while the Bishop finished closing the meeting.

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