Part 3 Testimony: “Forget Jesus, I have an Announcement!”

Jeff Spector Mormon 12 Comments

This part 3 of Testimony is just for fun. I will give you four examples of some of the stranger testimonies I have heard. No doubt I have forgotten the strangest ones. But these are the ones that come to mind. You can check out Part 1 and Part 2 to see how I got here.

1. I attended the University Ward at Berkeley with my soon to be wife. See part 1 for the full story on that. Anyway, this was during the time that wards had to raise their own budget money. Some wards were quite creative about where the money was raised.

At each testimony meeting, Bruce would get up to bear his testimony. He would start by saying:

“Just wanted to let you know that Friday night we have an inventory at Best Products in Oakland. We will start as soon as the store closes at 9pm and go until 12 midnight. So please plan on being there.” Sometimes, he would holdup a big sign with the details on it. And then he would say, ”Just wanted you to know that I have a testimony of theGospel.” And then he would close.

2. Same sort of thing in San Jose, a brother, (my wife and I called him Brother Avis) would get up and testify about the program in the Stake to raise money by driving cars for Avis car rental. We would ferry cars between airports and down to Monterey. But this was not a simple advertisement like example number 1. Brother Avis would go on and on about how the Lord has sanctioned the program and how important it was. The fact was, the Stake did raise a lot of money that way. Often times, no mention of the Savior or the Gospel were made, only the Avis program. He was a very well intentioned Brother and promoted the program relentlessly each month.

3. A newly converted Sister got up to bear testimony. As members, we love to hear from new members about how the gospel has changed their life. She had other plans. For the next 25 minutes, she told us every detail about her hardships in life. No one stopped her. He was really giving a talk she had not yet been invited to give. No mention of how finding he church made any difference. She just wanted to vent about her hard life.

4. A brother gives a lesson in Priesthood about gardening, quoting mainly from President Spencer W. Kimball. At the end, he says: ” I have a testimony of gardening.” Not a testimony of gardening as it relates to food storage and being prepared, but of gardening. I had just joined the Church shortly before that. I went home a little confused.

In closing, let me say that I love testimony meetings. It is one of the great and unique things about the church to have the members speak about their personal convictions. I especially love the meetings we have during youth activities. I love to hear our youth testify. Especially from those who have really given the gospel thought and prayer. You can tell it has an effect on them. I, like many of you, also enjoy the quirky ones as well.

Now, let’s hear about your favorites of all time.

Comments

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Comments 12

  1. Back in Arkansas, there was an older sister who had been converted from the Baptists a few years before. Once she bore her testimony about vampires, and how sins are like vampires and the Book of Mormon is like her cross or garlic to ward them away from her life.

    Amen, sister!

  2. Reminds me of a friend of mine who seemed perplexed after a fast and testimony meeting — he felt bad that he couldn’t feel the Spirit during some testimonies. He was relieved to think that perhaps not all testimonies are ones that the Spirit would bear witness to.

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    I actually used the sacrament kissing example at the start of my Gospel Doctrine SS lesson as the “attention getter.” It worked to say the least!

    I agree those are the best!

  4. Jeff,

    I’ve been enojoying these posts. One of my favorites (and most cringe-worthy) was a woman who told a story about her son training for a race, with the goal of beating his long-time rival, a “colored boy.” She used that phrase repeatedly, and ended by clapping her hands and exclaiming, “and he did it — he beat that colored boy.” The poor Bishop looked like he wanted to die.

    At the risk of being deemed a self-promoter, we’re having a similar “testimony-related” discussion over at Burning Bosom, if you want to join in: http://burningbosom.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/rewriting-my-testimony-rules/

  5. This is absolutely hilarious. I stumbled on to your blog and really love it. Thanks for facilitating the discussion of both the quirks and usefulness of sacrament meeting.

  6. Way back when, a single woman in our ward when I was a teenager bore her testimony about a story of a fabulously wealthy prince, who live in a faraway land. He had everything he could want, including a beautiful fiancee who had been raised and trained from birth to be utterly obedient to his every whim. But the prince didn’t want to be loved for what he was, he wanted to be loved for who he was. So, taking his chief vizier, he went on a plane to America where he masqueraded as a commoner, working in a fast-food restaurant………..

    It didn’t take long into this testimony before I realized that she baring her testimony of Eddie Murphey’s Coming to America — which I thought was hilarious. Yes, it was a sweet story, sortof, but it was definitely rated R for nudity, etc. Somehow I hadn’t thought of it as a spiritual parable.

  7. You know we had one sister in one YSA ward I was in where ever month she got up, went on for about 15 minutes or 30 minutes and ended with a Song. ON EVERY TESTIMONY MEETING.

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  9. On my mission, we had a lady get up every month, and say “I was on drugs, and al-key-hall (alcohol), and the missionaries come and knocked on my door, and I let ’em in….” It was nice the first time you heard it, but the ward members got really annoyed hearing it over and over every month. I made the mistake of telling her she should change it up a bit–everyone’s heard the story, so next month she complained over the pulpit that she knew people were tired of hearing it, but she was going to keep telling it.

    Needless to say, I was not her favorite missionary, but I think the ward members liked me, even if they didn’t know I was the one she was talking about.

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