Five Funniest Reasons to be Mormon

Brian Johnston Mormon 42 Comments

I’m starting a fun contest.  Everyone post their funniest reason to be Mormon. You can post more thanfamily-feud one if you have good ideas, but they must follow an important rule.  In order to qualify, they have to be twitter-length: 140 characters or less.

I will take the 5 funniest reasons, based on my expertise in this matter (cough cough), and host a poll next week.  We’ll let the Mormon Matters readers and participants decide which one is the champion.  What is the prize you ask?  Fame, glory and bragging rights!

If you have a funny story that doesn’t meet the limit, feel free to share it too.   It can’t go on to the top 5 list though.

Let the list begin!

Comments

comments

Comments 42

  1. Going to the Steak Center
    Carrying around those little bags, either to church (scriptures) or to the temple
    saying “that we might” in every prayer
    the term moisture, when we mean rain or snow
    using the term “bishopric”

  2. RS sisters debating whether Jello is a dessert or a salad.
    Diet Coke.
    Listen to speakers complain from the pulpit they weren’t given enough time to prepare, as if it would have made a difference.
    Folding metal chairs for elders, even in the temple.
    Utah’s birth rate vs the rest of the country.
    Conferences that don’t involve conferring.
    Universal unanimous voting.
    Tithe before or after taxes?

  3. I’m laughing so hard I can barely type. How could anyone possibly top what’s already been listed? (Of course, I’ll try.)

    “Wholesome recreational activities”
    You have 18 names you like for future children and want to use them all.
    You want to have free help with your piano when you move.

  4. – all the funeral potatoes you can eat
    – Coke rewards points
    – access to others’ food storage, wheat grinders and chemical toilets in case of catclysmic event
    – access to all those great Scandinavian genetics for your progeny if you send them to the Y
    – open mike day at church first Sunday every month!

    I’m with BiV about no VPL (visible panty lines). Women really do care about this one. They are actually visible, just not where you think to look!

  5. I’m with BiV about no VPL (visible panty lines). Women really do care about this one. They are actually visible, just not where you think to look!

    Heh. You know, I’m not Mormon, but in my time at BYU even I learned the trick where you find a way to gently pat a man on the thigh while you’re sitting next to him and check for a garment line.

  6. -You can get out of anything by saying “I don’t feel good about it, or it just doesn’t feel right” and no one can dispute it
    -You can go to wedding receptions on almost any given weekend night (at least if you live in Utah) and have great refreshments for free
    -Free babysitting every Sunday for 2 hours (18 mos. and up of course)
    -The best fire insurance policy around, hands down
    -You get to see what people are REALLY like when they go on Trek

  7. Sorry to barge in on another thread. I’m sorry to see the niblet nominations closed down. Was there warning? I have been traveling and hoped to put something down before voting opened on Monday? Thanks.

  8. Wow, there wasn’t any warning, I don’t think. I didn’t even notice until I just checked…I know that the MMatters team is trying to finalize things though, so I don’t know if there will be more nominations allowed.

  9. Post
    Author

    These are all hilarious so far.

    I’ll throw some out:

    Ultimate pickup line: “Did we know each other in the pre-existence?”

    A dietary code that only makes you give up four simple things, gluttony in all else is divine.

    Free moving crews … but of course you get what you pay for.

    A well-defined benefits plan.

  10. I totally understand it would be a long process and lots of work to do this, so I’m way appreciative. Still, maybe some notice like giving a day and time when the cut off is. Like, maybe Friday at 11:59 pm, then comments off, etc.

    Thanks.

  11. – Free financial advice every other month

    – Oratory training right after potty training

    – Strange anatomy: bodies have fibers and men have bosoms

    (Funny story: I knew a guy who thought “bosom” meant “butt” until he was 17. He had developed a very strange idea of testimony…)

    – Dang, fetch, oh my heck, what the holy scrud, H-E-double-hockey-sticks that’s flippin’, frickin’ crud (can’t take credit for the arrangement)

    – “You sucking motherflipper!”

    – Being fruitful and multiplying like rabbits

    – Reconciling three versions of the creation myth and evolution

    – Being able to read “The Merrye Adventures of Robyn Hoode” with no trouble

    – Praying like Shakespeare

    – Deriving a mind-bogglingly complex metaphysics from a couple of verses by Paul

  12. – Greasing social wheels with Jell-o

    – White shirts on black men look awesome (and I’m not kidding, I’m jealous)

    – No juvenile piercing/tattoo pressure

    – Spontaneous discussions on the soteriological status of beloved pets

    – “Sweet spirit”

    – Enjoying the testimony of the ardent Art Bell fan on open mike Sunday

    – Patrol meeting doily fights in the Relief Society room

    – Get a testimony of folk doctrines like Celestial “This Is Your Life” Movies, Cain-is-Bigfoot and the TK-smoothie

    – Learn hundreds of acronyms to deal with names that were obviously invented in a more efficient (possibly perfect) tongue

    – Boys’ divisions given latin names; girls’ divisions named with insects, acronyms and shrubs

  13. “You have 18 names you like for future children and want to use them all.”

    And, you DO use them all!

    Grateful, grateful, grateful. The only people grateful for tragedy and adversity.

  14. (Funny story: I knew a guy who thought “bosom” meant “butt” until he was 17. He had developed a very strange idea of testimony…)

    I have to wonder what he thought of Joseph Smith’s description of the Angel Moroni:

    “His hands were naked, and his arms also, a little above the wrist; so, also, were his feet naked, as were his legs, a little above the ankles. His head and neck were also bare. I could discover that he had no other clothing on but this robe, as it was open, so that I could see into his bosom.” (JSH 1:31)

    He could see into his what? 🙂

  15. Going to the temple for the first time, and wondering why they have such a large staff of chefs.

    (For the men) Being able to baptize someone the same day you get your driver’s license and go on your first date.

  16. #23 – That HAS to be recorded somewhere for a future Niblet!

    I generally share stuff I read here with my wife and children, but my kids’ senses of humor are such that I’m not sure I want this one going around the ward and have people realize it started with me. 🙂

  17. #23: I assume he thought Moroni’s robe was like a Celestial hospital gown.

    FWIW, that’s uproarious and I wish I had remembered that passage when I knew him.

  18. “I generally share stuff I read here with my wife and children, but my kids’ senses of humor are such that I’m not sure I want this one going around the ward and have people realize it started with me.”

    In a new ward, that would definitely kill your chances at higher office……

  19. “Going to the temple for the first time, and wondering why they have such a large staff of chefs.”

    Ha, while in the lockerroom of the temple preparing to receive my endowment, I saw a man come in after completing a session. I knew there was a cafeteria in the temple so I made a mental note to myself that he must work there.

    Here’s one: If you are LDS and your name is Rick, you MUST aspire to be a bishop.

  20. I spent my formative years manning a spotlight at my dad’s community theater, which explains my picks: Saturday’s Warrior, and its even worse sequel, Starchild. Let the Catholics have their fancy-pants Vatican museums! Their treaures all pale in comparison to a rousing rendition of “Zero Population.” Now THAT’s art.

  21. Knowing people named Teancum, Heleman and Moroni.

    Guaranteed friends, whether you want them or not (visiting teaching).

    Free therapist {the Bishop}.

  22. Post
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    I’ll officially end this tonight at some random time, whenever I manage to get back home from work, and fight one of the kids for some CPU time.

    Feel free to post more as the Spirit (of humor) dictates even after tonight. That deadline will give me time to prepare the post for the poll Friday.

  23. Ok, maybe this sneaks in before you close this totally funny thread…

    More prayers for dessert food to “nourish and strengthen our bodies” than all other religions combined.

  24. Post
    Author

    This phase is ended. I’ll post the poll on Friday to determine the #1 out of five.

    Feel free to post more though if you want to share something funny.

  25. Worrying that you’ll STILL be bumming rides from people when you’re 30 because you never received your Eagle (or YW medallion).

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